What is a mother?

I was amazingly blessed to have beautiful hand made gifts from each of my children, as well as a beautifully written song that my kids wrote for me for that special day... it was so neat to see my children doing something that I know that I did once as a child myself, for my step mother, one year I put together a program for her, including silly very silly skits, and songs that my brother and baby sister and I had learned in primary, it was a very special time for me to see my children do this for me, because I remember what it was I felt when I created my little program for her... and all I could think was, how could I possibly have been blessed to have these wonderful babies think of me that way!!!What an immense blessing.

I also had many great friends text me lovely messages, and Cas, a great man whom is a friend of ours I have come to adore, call to make sure that he wished me a happy mothers day! It was amazing. Jake also tried to call... The way that these men talk about me as a mother is so precious, it really makes me stop and think that maybe, just maybe I might be doing a little something right ;)

Then Vic, my love, arranged a dinner with some of these great friends so that I wouldnt have to cook, and made sure that I really felt special that day.. I pray I can do the same for Jake and He when Fathers day arrives.

and top it off, once again this year my "brother" Brad, who is serving his mission, called me for Mother's day, which is a phone call that I can honestly say that I get as giddy waiting for the night before as I did as a child waiting for the first day of school! He is someone who no matter what makes me feel amazing that he always remembers me, when he has so many others to call as well!

When Brad and I spoke he began speaking of a talk that he had heard at church that day! There was a woman who talked of how amazing of a blessing it is that we are given the gift of Mother hood. To further explain the great gift that this is, she went on to say that we are not just mothers, but we, when we have our children enter in to a partnership with God, that these are not our children, but a gift to us from him... they are ours for but a brief moment.

This is when I told him of a very special dream that I had when I was pregnant with my first Baby, Ari!! To sum up the dream, God placed my baby in my arms, and I promised him that she would get back to him, and be taught the things that he would have her to know of him.

I am not one to take promises lightly, and this promise, a promise to God I hold miore dearly, and try to uphold more devoutly than any I have ever made before. As I now am the mother of 5, I find myself questioning very regularly every thought and action that I make, as well as every thought and action of those who are around my children.

I know as Mothers we make so many sacrifices, and choices that we know that we may not have if we didn't have those precious babies that we have... but I also find myself strivng to live as a much stronger and healthier person because of those babies, cutting from my life all those people, places, and things that I think will harm in any way those gifts that I have been given.

Over this past year, I have had choices to make that have been some of the most painful and the most difficult that I have ever made. I had many events this past summer that for some reason awoke every pain that I ever remember having with certain people in my life, as I tried to hide in my shell, and shade my face so that no one would see the embarrassment, and extream agony I was going through I found that I was doing a lousy job at it, and I was found out... by the one person I was trying to avoid seeing it in the first place. To my horror those who I would think might possibly embrase me to help me walk through my situation, instead watched my suffering, and turned thier backs on me.


I only bring this up, because of some things that my beautiful wonderful children taught me from this. I had entered into a depression unlike anything I had ever felt, and had been crying for days in hiding, or so I thought, caused my weary, and weak heart severe issues, and almost lost the sweet baby that I was carrying at the moment, Then I was stupid enough to put myself into the same situation again months later with the same people, I was more prepared this time, and left quickly so not to cause my self so much affliction this time, here is where my baby girl said to me, I dont want anything to do with people that make my mommy cry! If they hurt you, who says they wont hurt us too, they cant truly love you if that is how they treat you. I was amazed! Such a young girl had such a simple and profound solution for me all at the same time.

We teach our children to stay away from those who might hurt them, we keep those at an arms length that might cause them harm in any way, but there are some that even us as parents feel it is okay to let influence our children because of who they are, or how it is that we happen to have them in our lifes...

So at that moment I stopped to see what it was that my darling daughter ment by "who says they wont hurt us too" and this is where I found I was doing my sweet children a drastic dis service! She had turned away from people, people whom only have her best interest at heart because of what she had seen in my life. She had become so afraid of the same thongs happening to her that she had bottled herself up. Because I was in pain with the issues I was dealing with, I became a selfish person and for the first, and I pray the last time, I could not see through my own battle to help my child through hers, which is the very thing that we as parents have promised God when we take on his little ones, to always, always help them

After a long talk with all three of my beautiful girls, and while holding my baby boy, Ari told me that she had watched me since she was very little ( which was interesting to hear her say, since she is still so little) she saw me try to always be there for those who had hurt me, that I always said really great things about them, and that I was always crying over missing them so much. My little Ana then hugged me and said that I taught her love has to go both ways, and then my darling Vic, let me know you can not force those to care enough to fix something that isn't really there. My children had taught me a lesson that I had been trying since they were born to teach them... Only they were better at it than me, and they were able to soften my broken heart so much faster than I had been.

I learned that we choose to allow people in our lifes! After a talk with my religious leader I learned even further that the greatest sacrifice I must make is to give my children a chance at health in every aspect, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally! We can not take away all pain in thier life but we as thier teachers must teach them to live as Christ would, forgivness first,and how to love a person, but also how to respect themselfs ednough to walk away, after you have turned both cheeks, from a situation if there is nothing that they can do to make it a better and healthier place, and as always the best teacher is one who does it by action not just words alone...

It was a hard and painful choice that had to be made, and it made it even harder when I saw that the relationships I thought I had were just that thoughts, not reality! And as always I have also found that God will give us a way to do what he asks, if we but choose to listen! For me the people that I have now in my life are teaching me what to be loved is, not just to love... and they are showing my children the wonderful and glorious children that they are every day and in every action!!!

All these things together make my sacrifices seem so very small!! Being a mother is the greatest gift of all!!! I know so cliche... but oh so true!!