My life.. lessoned learned this time I pray!

Well the last two weeks have been very eventful in the terms of injuries and ER visits, and here we were thinking we might just be on a roll at staying away from that place!!!

a few evenings ago I bent over to pick up my 5 month old baby girl, and before I could even get my finger tips to her bouncer I had a horrible spreading feeling hit my lower back and hips followed by a searing, stabbing pain that was accompanied by a pop, and when I pulled myself back upright I found myself holding on to the stove ( I was getting ready to make dinner) to keep my legs from falling out from underneath me. Vic picked me up to carry me to a bed, I could not bare any of my weight on my legs. We waited to see if the pain would cease for a while, but it didn't and with the sprain, and pinched nerve in my left wrist ,that I had diagnosed just a week ago I was unable to even try to hold my self up well with my arms in any fashion... so into the ER we went.

There we found out I have a bulging disk that is pinching my sciatic nerve off causing me to be unable at the moment to stand, walk, and even sit upright until the spasms in my back cease... sitting is now getting easier, getting up right, walking, and picking up anything is still horrid for now.



Well the reason I bring all of this up is I find when ever I start running to fast in my life, or I begin to get very frustrated and have trouble keeping my head straight on my shoulders, something happens to force me to have to sit and think through where I am at, and where I have been in my life. Sometimes metaphorically, sometimes I am literally forced to sit on my butt, so hopefully I learn what ever lesson I need to learn this time, I am tired of bed rest.



Any how this evening I was watching a movie called "she's having a baby" it is about a man who marries his high school sweetheart, and when she ends up pregnant, he finds himself wondering if he did the right thing marrying her. I think so many of us come to think about this very fact with our significant other at one point or another. Then as the movie progresses when this man's wife goes into labor he runs around with his head cut off as we have seen so many times in the movies with this situation... not something that I can honestly say that I have seen in my life at any time, thank heavens, but as her labor progresses something goes wrong and the husband is made aware that he is not able to be there with his wife and child and that they are doing everything that they can to save his family at the moment, and for him to wait in the waiting room, here it shows what he thinks of concerning his wife, and the pain that he goes through as he waits for the out come, it shows scenes of their wedding, when they were in school together, and the many times that remind him how much he loves his wife.



When I had my second beautiful miracle baby, Ana, my husband, Jake and I went through something very similar to this movie, and as I sat watching this, tears came rushing to my face and memories and questions, like is that what Jake went through ?, hit me with a forceful blow. ~ Man bed rest and TV make me the worst sort of woman... an emotional one.

For Jacob and I, pregnancy was something that was a bit tumultuous to our hearts, I do not carry well, which is still a gift, as due to an injury suffered as a youth I was told at a young age that having children is something that I would not be able to do.. I not only have many complications when I do carry, but I miscarry very, very easily.. As of having my last sweet baby I have been pregnant 15 times. Two of those were sweet souls that passed further on into the pregnancies, and all of them were very difficult to bear, particularly since many times we would be so excited once we knew that they were coming to our little family and soon after knowing Jake would go out of town for work and I would have to go through the pain of their passing with him away. I have given birth to 6 children, 4 girls, all living, and 2 boys, 1 living.. the one we lost together was a twin boy to my third daughter that was much too small at birth and still born...
There are very few people who know the full details of any of those events or what happened the day that my Ana was born...and the only one who truly remembers the waiting.. the fear.. and the intensity of that day would be Jake! The fact that Ana and myself are here to smile another day is nothing less than a gift from God, and the fact that that any of my sweet babies are here with us is a treasure,and each moment is more of a miracle than I deserve, but I adore every second I get to be their Mother. And even though it doesn't not seem like something that many people would understand the fact that God trusted me with those little angels souls even for a very short time is so precious to me.

I learned from my losses a few things about parenting (that my amazing friend Stephanie reminds me of every blessed day... )the cob webs, dust, and laundry will still be there waiting for you tomorrow, this moment with your child is only here right this very second, pick the battles that only truly matter with your children, remember to speak and act in kindness and love at all times especially in anger, they are not yours, they are on loan to you from God above, and laughter, candles, china, and crystal glasses should be used in celebration... as often as possible... celebrate the life's you have together. speak with respect to your children, as well as in front of them, they are learning how to treat others including you.

Thinking of all of this made me very reminiscent.. and My oldest daughter Aria and I ended up looking at family photo albums and having me tell her the stories of each of the photo's... it was a very nice moment one I look forward to time and time again if I am lucky. Well from this Aria has asked for time for the both of us to sit and write or "blog" our stories while she is out of school... so be prepared for many stories, & many pictures... and excuse the emotional dust we kick up as we walk down memory lane.

Kindergarten Graduation

My Sweet little bean did it, she finished her first year of school! She is such a smart little cookie and we are so proud of her!!! Because of a move to a new house she had a little more to get used to this year than the norm but she did brilliantly! She started out with half days at her first school, and went to full days at the new school and her transition was pretty much flawless! She loved being able to have as many recesses as her big sisters, as well as being able to have lunch at school everyday!

We are looking forward to having an Open House BBQ/ End of the School Year celebration here in just a little bit at our new home to enjoy great friends, family, a beautiful new home, as well as what an amazing Job the kids did at school this year. We are just so proud of them and all of their accomplishments as well. We are so blessed with such smart and great kids!!

2009 Air Show

ALI, ANI, a friend of the kids, & ARI in front of a local plane

This year at the base semi close to where we live, we were finally able to go to the Air Show, which is a big deal around our home. Daddy Vic loves these shows, because his biggest dream that he has had since he was a young child has been to be a pilot like his Grandfather, whom which he has been flying with several times... this is where he fell in love with being in the Air. It was also a tradition of his families growing up, where ever they lived they enjoyed the air show together as a family. He talks so much about how he loves to be there with his father, and watch his Dad's eyes and face light up just like he was a little kid again. This year we were unable to go with his family which was very upsetting to Vic, but it was also the first time that we were able to go as a family and that was very nice.

For me, I come from a line of Military Men, My Great, Great, Great Uncle, whom is also one of my all time favorite people served in the Army and in 3 wars and survived to tell his story, My Grandfathers both served in the military, one in the Army and was a distinguished Honor Guard for the President, he is a man that I love dearly and look up to more than he will probably ever know!! My other Grandfather served in the Air Force and was a fighter pilot, he is also someone that I adore, but I must say I need to work harder to get to know better. My father worked on the planes when he served in the Air Force Reserve for many years, his younger brother, my uncle flew AC-130 planes until he retired a few years ago, I haven't seen him in years because of his service to our country but I am proud to be related to him as well! And in my generation; I have many friends that I love as my own family, I have brother-in-laws in the military, and an amazing cousin who just recently joined as well as in my first year of marriage to Jake he and I decided that he would join active duty Air Force, which he still serves in, and I love him dearly and have developed a sincere sense of pride in my country and armed forces and those who serve us by being a part of them because of what I learned during my years as a military wife. It is a lifestyle that takes alot of commitment, love, honor, patients, gratitude, and a ton of nights on your knees praying for loved ones, and friends who are in harms way or who have lost one that we all know and loved!! It gave me something that no one can ever take away from me and my children... the knowledge that Freedom is taken for granted, and as it has been said a million times before, that it is FAR FROM FREE!!

Any way, Sunday we arrived at the base in POURING rain and froze our bums off for hours while we waited for the air to clear enough for the planes to take to it. During the time that we waited we have the great pleasure to find a few F-15 pilots that had worked directly with Jake and told the Girls how great their father is at his job, as well as a few stories about what it is like to be on the other end of their Daddies Job, Since the girls don't get to see their father as much as they would like they loved spending time this way to get to feel close to him for just those few moments.

The planes were loud as always as they did their tricks to impress us that day, and even though we had all waited in the rain for a long time for them, it was worth it all to see the excitement on Vic and the kids faces, well Tino had a problem with it until we got him something to protect his ears and then he was full of nothing but WOW's for us all. It was a great day and a perfect way to kick off the first day of summer vacation for the kids. More pictures will come later of this fun day.

Ali, the ear, and the bean A TRUE STORY

sweet "bean" sleeping peacefully after the surgery.. she was this way from 4 am until 2 pm and then after her release, when we got home, she went straight back to sleep again.

Ali trying to stick her tongue out for a picture to her Dad

The culprit.. a bean.. that had begun to sprout on the side that was in the drum

During the surgery, this is just the beginning of it all

Ali just after being sedated

Ali before being sedated

Our first visit to the Emergency Room in a while was for my baby doll Ali, she had decided during nap time at school, when her teacher had left the room ( and let me just say for those who know my little "Tinkerbell" thinking that she is taking any type of a nap is a form of stupidity in and of itself, but leaving her in a room with scissors, glue, coloring and painting devices, staplers, pins...etc is simply asking for something to happen...) that her friend Morgan's little white bean that had been sitting on Morgan's desk all by it's lonesome, was somehow in danger of no longer being Morgans, so being the great friend that she is, Ali decided that to keep it safe the best place to hide this bean for Morgan later was to put in into her (meaning Ali's) ear. Now she figured that she would simply be able to remove it after nap time when it was time to do the project that the teacher was planning with these little white beans.. when pushing her finger into her ear to retrieve the bean did not work, Ali decided that her teachers punishment for not staying on her mat during nap time of missing 1 recess was too much to bear, so she ignored this little problem for over... 1 month. On Ali's last day of school she awoke to a fever, and her tummy not feeling well at all.. she came and woke Mom up to inform me of the tummy pains. She and I were cuddling and watching cartoons that afternoon, in one of my attempts to keep my ill baby doll laying down somehow, and I noticed that she would rub just in front of her ear every few min, and that it was looking a little red. When I asked if her ear was hurting her, she a little too quickly responded that it was just fine, sat upright and covered her little ear with her hand. So in trade for a cookie, I was able to convince her to allow me to just peek inside her ear to see if it was red. Well.. as I used both of my hands to open her little ear enough to peer down the ear canal, while biting tightly on to the end of a flashlight since I just could not see a thing the first couple of tries... well there nestled snug into her ear drum was this bean, which at the time looked to me as if it was a white mechanical pencil eraser. Around this intruder in her ear was blood and a nasty amount of puss, and a putrid sent assaulted my nose the closer I got to see what it was. After just a few seconds of holding her ear open she began to shriek, and jerked her head violently away, her sweet, although not sweet scented, ear was so sensitive from the infection that had formed that a soft touch was too much for her to handle. As a result of her jerking away, the flashlight that was I was trying ever so hard to keep gripped tightly in my mouth, and at this time had me drooling very profusely due to how wide my mouth had to stay open in order to keep the dang thing in there, slipped from my teeth's grip and hit my sweetheart right in the head... which gave her a bruise on her forehead. I felt so terrible at the time, however, I knew I needed to try to look one more time so that I could find out what was going on to know how to respond from there. I began to bribe Ali so that I could once again look into this oh so smelly canal... and after the pain from the heavy flashlight, and from how tender her bean filled little ear was to start with she was anything but cooperative. When I finally asked her what I could give her in trade for her allowing me to look in her ear again she responded by saying "you owe me $17.00 if you want to look in my ear, and I get to pinch that zit on your chin that you said hurts." I have to admit, I was taken back by her request, and asked if 17 cents would work because that was all the cash I had on me, she agreed. I looked again, and I decided this was a bit above something that Dr. Mom was able to handle on my own. I called Daddy Vic to inform him that we needed to take her into the hospital when he got off of work due to the foreign object that was in Ali's ear. Prior to the call I had asked Ali if she had stuck anything in her ear, and she was very adamant that she had done nothing of the sort! When I was on the phone with Vic, he asked to talk to Ali to see how she was and if she felt she could wait until he got off work, or if he needed to contact his boss at another job site to see if he could get off... As soon as she heard Vic's voice, my sweet babe broke down in to tears and informed him that she had indeed stuck something white and oval shaped into her ear at school for Morgan.. and please don't tell the teacher or mom, cause mom will write a note to the teacher to not leave the room, and teacher will take away recess... Well, I guess mom's notes to teachers are much scarier than I had any idea. She rested and did not eat much the rest of the day as she waited for Daddy Vic to get home from work. When he did arrive home we ate dinner and rested a bit to see if there was a chance that I could get Ali tired enough to be able to have her asleep possibly when the doctor needed to look into her ear, since even something as simple as a trip to the dentist with her results in some very mean mud slinging of words at the dentist and mom getting bit multiple times, just for him brushing her teeth with a tooth brush... she doesn't take well to those that she does not know. I headed to the local Emergency Room, and as an added blessing I had a friend who met me there and helped out since I had hurt my left wrist 2 months prior and was still unable to use my thumb, as well as I am still breast feeding my 5 month old baby girl Ame. Annie, my friend was a blessed help. Ali was very tired as we arrived to the ER and wanted to fall asleep pretty much as soon as she laid down on the bed in the room that we were assigned to. Unfortunately as soon as the man in the white coat, our doctor walked in and mentioned looking at her ears, pulling out the instrument that they use for that, she freaked... once again I relied on Bribery to see how far that would get us..once again Ali wanted that $17.00 I'm still not sure what the attraction to that specific number is for. Either was the bribe worked just enough to allow the doctor to look into her ear. Upon getting everything aligned to see in her waxy canal.. the doctor let out "what the hell is that" my response was "my thoughts exactly" The doctor let me know that he would try what he could to get it out, but that there was a very good chance that we would have to refer her to an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist) and to book an OR (operating room) to remove the object because of how swollen and inflamed the eardrum was looking from what he could see. At hearing this Ali flipped out. The doctor looked again, and decided that our best route was to sedate her, and do a small procedure there in the er to see what they could do. While we waited for a respiratory specialist to monitor Ali's breathing during the procedure, Annie and I talked and tried to let Ali rest, in the hopes that she would be sleeping when they came to give her the shot to sedate her, They gave us the option of a IV line, they said it wouldn't put her out as long, however Ali during her last stay at the hospital was notorious for ripping the IVs from her arms and hands, so we decided a shot, even though it lasted longer would be a safer route to go. Unfortunately she did not go to sleep, just the mention of the word shot had her sitting on the edge of her seat. So When the nurse, respiratory therapist, doctor, and CNA came in to start the procedure, I laid down to hold her, I wrapped my arms around her arms, and my legs criss cross over her legs while they prepped her thigh for the itty bitty shot, she began doing her normal thrash and freak out at the sight of the shot, and it ended up taking everyone except the nurse who was giving the shot to hold her down, and the nurse still ended up being punched by Ali twice, which for her is a a VERY small amount of times. Thank heavens the sedative reacted very quickly and she began to settle down fast. Oddly, the sedative that they chose to give Ali is much better for little kids, it is one that helps them so the event is not so traumatic, they won't remember a thing with the use of this drug, however most children's response is to tighten their muscles especially the ones in the neck and shoulders, she looked all tense and scrunched, and it also forces the eyes WIDE open and they do not blink during the drug's effects. It was very different to see Ali with open eyes lying so still.. I can honestly say that was a momentous occasion Ali holding still...
As the doctor began to work on our mystery item at this time, he found it much more difficult to remove, but due to the amount of infection and trauma to the ear drum, he was very motivated to get it out. He called for extra instruments... They were freaky I must admit. There was a scalpel, a very long metal needle that could be attached to a saline flush and one also that could be attached to a vacuum there in the room. He tried to blow air in the area of the object which did not work at all, Then he put long metal things in her ear canal to further force it open, and inserted the scalpel and the first metal needle that was honestly longer than my hand and wrist together.. into the puncture in the bulging ear drum, and filled the cavity with an entire saline flush, which again did nothing to loosen the object, it was very secure in there with all the blood and puss that had surrounded it. Then he used the 2nd needle that had a wider end and used the vacuum after allowing the saline to settle in the ear for a bit and after a few tries he was able to pull the object from her ear... and yup there was our little white bean. I couldn't believe that all of that had been over a dang bean. What a fun night!!! Well it has almost been a week now.. and she is doing well on her recovery. We will take her in here in a week to see a doctor to see how the ear is recovering from the surgery. It is still draining puss, and she is having difficulty with hearing from that ear for now... but the doctor said this is to be expected during her recovery. She did not handle the sedation side effects to great, she had a very upset tummy, and cried alot. However She thought she was in outer space when she did start to come to, and said that I had 17 eyes (there is that number again) 36 fingers, 2 mouths and alot of noses.

She fell asleep peacefully until 2pm the next day, and after she was released slept even more.

Ali has said that she will not be sticking anything in her ear, nose, or belly button anymore, things only go in her mouth... however we have had to go over the fact that we do not put gum from any surface that is not in a wrapper in our mouth.. which also bit us in the behind when she found a chewed piece of gum in a wrapper on a garbage can lid up at the base this past weekend and she proceeded to enjoy that...man no rest for the weary with that baby doll.. but i wouldn't trade it for anything else!! Ahh, the life of a Mom....

Family Fun

Family Fun....
Lysh, & sister & best friend Heidi

Sweet, loveable Ame

Tino, & Daddy bright and early (& of course T already has candy.. he is such a sugar fiend)

Ana, & her sugar stash for easter

The kids and the giant stilletto

My beautiful Ari!! Sassy, Beautiful, and fun Ali

Katie, and Ari.. sunny days and friends just seem to go hand in hand

the kids love being with thier "aunt" Whitney she just loves, and plays with them and makes them feel so very special they look forward to every chance they get, hopefully we can steal her alot this summer! We all LOVE havng her she is an wonderfully, amazing young woman!

let the fun begin :)

Here we go again, the time of the year that most children look forward to so much, well until they get bored of summer, and look forward to going back to school and all the other children.

This is the last week of school for my children! They are all counting down, and making plans for what it is that they would like to do this summer, luckily enough for me they are not children who are into a lot of things that take lots of money, they are begging to be able to help me plant and cut pretty flowers, bake lots of yummy treats, and run through the sprinklers. How blessed I am!

I Have really really been blessed by my babies I must say, I had my oldest Ari, let me know that she is looking forward to spending alot of time with me this summer, because I am her best friend. I have loved getting to see her as she is getting older, and more mature, however, it is also something that saddens me, I can not believe how grown up she is getting. I can't believe that she was once the size my sweet Ame is, who is now 4 months, and now she sits and plays with Ame, holds her, changes her diapers, and tells me she is going to sit with her at times because I really need a nap! To make all of this even that much better Ani, and Ali my middle babies also have taken time lately to tell me that they love me so much, and that they can just talk to me about anything. Hopefully that will continue for a while longer! Ali also told me that she really misses me when she is at school and still wishes that she was 4 so she could have more cuddle time with me like she used to before she went to school. All of this made me so happy I litterally felt like I was going to burst. It is the times like this I am going to have to remember this summer when I am ready to kill! I treasure so much the time with them, but they are after all children... and some days can be difficult! They are all enrolled in summer school three days a week so hopefully that will help with some of the energy that they seem to build up on the hot summer days!

Ali is six!!!

Her new favorite cake - Banana split trifle.. so good. We had
it, ice cream, and watched the tale of desperoux.. she loved her night!

Ali's birthday dinner - all of us mom, daddy vic, ari, ani, tino,

ame, and uncle cas all came - she asked for "real" italian mini

pizza, salad, and kid "wine" (italian soda) in goblets.......

Ali's birthday breakfast - she asked for raspberry french toast

with all the fixings...

My sweet little Ali just turned 6 this past Sunday. It is such a happy and sad thing to watch my babies grow up. I don't think there is a larger conflicting emotion that I can think of. My youngest baby, Ame, who is now 4 months old, I was holding durring the breakfast for Ali, and found myself remembering when I held Ali when she was that small, Ame reminds me so much of Ali, the color of her hair, eyes, and skin as a baby and her bright disposistion for the most part. But I also found myself thinking it wont be very long before Ame is sitting right where Ali is and I will be thinking man, that went by so fast. With each of my babies I was teased by some and told that I held them too much, but I wouldn't trade for a secound the time I got to hold them... it doesn't last nearly long enough. My oldest is now 10 and thinking of the boys that she is dying to talk to, and the friends she would rather be spending her time with... I will never regret for a secound each cuddle I gave her as a little one, niether will I regret begin called "the sargent" by many of people with how strict I am with my kids, the difference between the way they treat thier parents, thier siblings, and the ones that they love is so incredably different than I see in the children that they go to school with, and that has not changed no matter what school it is, children love to see what they can get away with, and thank heavens with mine they dont like to push to hard... but I do always remember that the rules must be inforced, but most importantly the love must be... if we want the kids to respect us, WE must repect them and give them every oppertunity to grow and love, children learn by exsample after all.

What is a mother?

I was amazingly blessed to have beautiful hand made gifts from each of my children, as well as a beautifully written song that my kids wrote for me for that special day... it was so neat to see my children doing something that I know that I did once as a child myself, for my step mother, one year I put together a program for her, including silly very silly skits, and songs that my brother and baby sister and I had learned in primary, it was a very special time for me to see my children do this for me, because I remember what it was I felt when I created my little program for her... and all I could think was, how could I possibly have been blessed to have these wonderful babies think of me that way!!!What an immense blessing.

I also had many great friends text me lovely messages, and Cas, a great man whom is a friend of ours I have come to adore, call to make sure that he wished me a happy mothers day! It was amazing. Jake also tried to call... The way that these men talk about me as a mother is so precious, it really makes me stop and think that maybe, just maybe I might be doing a little something right ;)

Then Vic, my love, arranged a dinner with some of these great friends so that I wouldnt have to cook, and made sure that I really felt special that day.. I pray I can do the same for Jake and He when Fathers day arrives.

and top it off, once again this year my "brother" Brad, who is serving his mission, called me for Mother's day, which is a phone call that I can honestly say that I get as giddy waiting for the night before as I did as a child waiting for the first day of school! He is someone who no matter what makes me feel amazing that he always remembers me, when he has so many others to call as well!

When Brad and I spoke he began speaking of a talk that he had heard at church that day! There was a woman who talked of how amazing of a blessing it is that we are given the gift of Mother hood. To further explain the great gift that this is, she went on to say that we are not just mothers, but we, when we have our children enter in to a partnership with God, that these are not our children, but a gift to us from him... they are ours for but a brief moment.

This is when I told him of a very special dream that I had when I was pregnant with my first Baby, Ari!! To sum up the dream, God placed my baby in my arms, and I promised him that she would get back to him, and be taught the things that he would have her to know of him.

I am not one to take promises lightly, and this promise, a promise to God I hold miore dearly, and try to uphold more devoutly than any I have ever made before. As I now am the mother of 5, I find myself questioning very regularly every thought and action that I make, as well as every thought and action of those who are around my children.

I know as Mothers we make so many sacrifices, and choices that we know that we may not have if we didn't have those precious babies that we have... but I also find myself strivng to live as a much stronger and healthier person because of those babies, cutting from my life all those people, places, and things that I think will harm in any way those gifts that I have been given.

Over this past year, I have had choices to make that have been some of the most painful and the most difficult that I have ever made. I had many events this past summer that for some reason awoke every pain that I ever remember having with certain people in my life, as I tried to hide in my shell, and shade my face so that no one would see the embarrassment, and extream agony I was going through I found that I was doing a lousy job at it, and I was found out... by the one person I was trying to avoid seeing it in the first place. To my horror those who I would think might possibly embrase me to help me walk through my situation, instead watched my suffering, and turned thier backs on me.


I only bring this up, because of some things that my beautiful wonderful children taught me from this. I had entered into a depression unlike anything I had ever felt, and had been crying for days in hiding, or so I thought, caused my weary, and weak heart severe issues, and almost lost the sweet baby that I was carrying at the moment, Then I was stupid enough to put myself into the same situation again months later with the same people, I was more prepared this time, and left quickly so not to cause my self so much affliction this time, here is where my baby girl said to me, I dont want anything to do with people that make my mommy cry! If they hurt you, who says they wont hurt us too, they cant truly love you if that is how they treat you. I was amazed! Such a young girl had such a simple and profound solution for me all at the same time.

We teach our children to stay away from those who might hurt them, we keep those at an arms length that might cause them harm in any way, but there are some that even us as parents feel it is okay to let influence our children because of who they are, or how it is that we happen to have them in our lifes...

So at that moment I stopped to see what it was that my darling daughter ment by "who says they wont hurt us too" and this is where I found I was doing my sweet children a drastic dis service! She had turned away from people, people whom only have her best interest at heart because of what she had seen in my life. She had become so afraid of the same thongs happening to her that she had bottled herself up. Because I was in pain with the issues I was dealing with, I became a selfish person and for the first, and I pray the last time, I could not see through my own battle to help my child through hers, which is the very thing that we as parents have promised God when we take on his little ones, to always, always help them

After a long talk with all three of my beautiful girls, and while holding my baby boy, Ari told me that she had watched me since she was very little ( which was interesting to hear her say, since she is still so little) she saw me try to always be there for those who had hurt me, that I always said really great things about them, and that I was always crying over missing them so much. My little Ana then hugged me and said that I taught her love has to go both ways, and then my darling Vic, let me know you can not force those to care enough to fix something that isn't really there. My children had taught me a lesson that I had been trying since they were born to teach them... Only they were better at it than me, and they were able to soften my broken heart so much faster than I had been.

I learned that we choose to allow people in our lifes! After a talk with my religious leader I learned even further that the greatest sacrifice I must make is to give my children a chance at health in every aspect, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally! We can not take away all pain in thier life but we as thier teachers must teach them to live as Christ would, forgivness first,and how to love a person, but also how to respect themselfs ednough to walk away, after you have turned both cheeks, from a situation if there is nothing that they can do to make it a better and healthier place, and as always the best teacher is one who does it by action not just words alone...

It was a hard and painful choice that had to be made, and it made it even harder when I saw that the relationships I thought I had were just that thoughts, not reality! And as always I have also found that God will give us a way to do what he asks, if we but choose to listen! For me the people that I have now in my life are teaching me what to be loved is, not just to love... and they are showing my children the wonderful and glorious children that they are every day and in every action!!!

All these things together make my sacrifices seem so very small!! Being a mother is the greatest gift of all!!! I know so cliche... but oh so true!!